


Magic Man

by calmdowncold



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysphoria, M/M, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-04-18 21:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14222169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmdowncold/pseuds/calmdowncold
Summary: “Cold, late night so long ago, when I was not so strong, you know. A pretty man came to me; never seen eyes so blue.”





	1. One

Sami Zayn wasn’t sure why the locally owned vegan grocery store was blasting a Lady Gaga song, but he was dancing anyway. The price gun in his hand banged against the boxes he was marking in perfect time. 

The co-operative market where he worked was right in the center strip of all the popular local businesses. Around them were immigrant-owned barber shops, a hipster coffee stop and a quaint frozen yogurt cafe. Only a mile from the market, inwards downtown, was where business turned to pleasure as every other building was a bar or dance club. 

Coincidentally, also where Sami lived, in an apartment above a late-night pizza place. 

As soon as he finished this order (and finished dancing) it would be time to pack up his bag and head home for some FIFA and arguments with his best friend and roommate, Adrian Neville. 

Until then, the in-work dance party continued. 

“Hey, Sami?” He heard Dana’s voice call from the front end. “Can you take over cashing for a minute?” 

Sami placed the price gun on top of the stack of boxes. “No problem, comin’ up!” 

He relieved Dana and spent a few minutes organizing money and replacing the caps on all the pens around the check-out area before actually getting a customer. Two, to be exact. 

Sami was cordial and smiled at every customer he interacted with, whether they needed his help or just walked past him in an aisle. Something different happened, however, when he encountered a certain type of customer. 

Now, he hated assuming and he never wanted to appear as if he preferred one group or another, but he couldn’t help but notice the extra wide smile on his face whenever he assisted two men holding hands, or a woman with a rainbow patch on her jacket. 

It was too difficult to explain to anyone who didn’t immediately understand; the safety and solidarity that came with being around members of the LGBT community.

He could never forget the time he cashed out a young man, who despite being mid-twenties at least, was riddled with pimples and cuts from first-time shaving, or the amazing look on that young man’s face when he saw the pale pink, blue and white flag drawn on Sami’s name tag. Sami had to be excused to the bathroom to cry out the happiest tears after that interaction. 

So now, goofy grin plastered on his face, Sami waved a couple over to his queue; frequent customers that he had become casual friends with. Both women, a blonde and a fellow redhead, were dressed like they had walked off a Nirvana music video set, with the flannel shirts and ripped jeans and bandanas around their wrists. Their fingers were interlaced. Sami’s unwavering curiosity was prompted. 

“Hey, how are you? You guys look sharp!” He heard his own voice grow high, just from pure joy. 

“Oh, thanks!” said Charlotte, the blonde of the couple. “We’re going to The Underground, they’re having ‘nineties night’!” 

“Aw, what?! That sounds awesome!” 

Sami was familiar with the club she named, as it was only a few blocks from his apartment. A notable gay-oriented place, he had never been inside, despite all the times he had gawked with envy at its patrons. 

“It is awesome!” said Becky, with the firey red hair. “They play all the hits and everyone dances, the drinks all have cool names. They have one Fresh Prince cocktail, it’s like orange juice and strawberry puree with Schnapps and it tastes like Fruity Pebbles.” 

Sami blinked, awestruck, at her description. Obediently, he reminded himself to scan and bag their grab-and-go dinners and let them get on their way. 

“I live right by there, it looks so fun but I’ve never-” 

“Ohmigosh, you _have_ to!” Charlotte said. “It’s so fun, it’s like the best! It just feels like a big chill spot, even when there’s a ton of people.” 

“Wow…” Sami’s eyes got wide as he imagined the possibilities. Imagining what could happen made his heart skip a beat: He, Sami, could find a cute partner to dance with and drink sparkling water with. They could talk and laugh, maybe kiss and fall in love right there to the sweet sounds of Eiffel 65. 

With a shudder, he came back down to real life. 

“Well, I hope you have an awesome night, ladies!” He gave one more smile as he handed their bags over. They were gone with a flip of the Charlotte’s long, pretty hair. He watched them leave with longing and jealousy in his heart.

Dana returned from her task and Sami, dejectedly, hopped back on that order.

* * *

The front door opened and Sami stepped inside the apartment, safe now from the bitter January air. His roommate had set up a buffet table for their wallets, keys and charging cables to rest until they were needed. 

Sami undid his name tag and dropped it in the key bowl, mentally noting that he needed to find a pink Sharpie to fix the flag drawing. He could hear the controller buttons tapping as Neville was in the middle of a FIFA game. A vigorous one, as all the swearing could imply. 

Still a little too sad to converse, Sami called out a ‘hey dude’ and slunk to his bedroom to get ready for another cold and lonely night in bed. More solitude. More turning the white noise machine up as loud as it would go, in hopes that it would drown out the pathetic thoughts. 

Sami sighed and undressed. The temptation to crawl into bed and hide forever was strong, but he forced himself into the shower. Once he was clean and sweet smelling, he smeared vitamin E oil over the scars on his chest and his face. Now he tip-toed around the art supplies strewn here and there on his floor, careful not to crush a colored pencil underfoot. 

Naked and neck-deep in self pity, Sami fell backwards onto the made bed. His head lolled to the side, unfortunately to where his closet door was open just slightly. He had an impressive array of flannel shirts that could make for impressive outfit at Underground’s ‘nineties night’. The smell of burnt cheese filled his nose from downstairs, which he usually loved, but right now just bummed him out. 

It would have been easy to pass out right there, but Sami decided to torture himself further and string together the outfit he _would have_ worn. Maybe he could wear it grocery shopping tomorrow. 

So he picked out his favorite ripped jeans and cuffed them at the ankle, took an age-old Operation Ivy tee shirt and paired it with an open red-printed flannel. His hair was especially curly and soft and he admired himself in the full-length mirror he had taken from someone’s front lawn. Turning this way and that, he couldn’t help but smile at how well the look suited him. 

_So well_ , in fact, that it would be such a shame if no one looked at him, right? But how would he look going out to a club all alone? Everyone there would think he was weird.

“Ah!” Sami’s small smile turned to a grin as he slunk out of his room, creeping over to the living room couch with a brilliant idea.

“Mother FUCKER.” Neville snarled at the video game. 

“Um… Hey, Nev?” Sami purred from behind the couch. 

“What.” 

“Do you maybe wanna go out with me tonight?” 

“What’re ya doing?” Neville did not stop what he was doing to look at Sami. 

“Welllll….” Sami started, attempting to be as cute as possible. “There’s this club up the road, and they’re um, having like a special themed party… It sounds really fun and I think you’d like it and I really wanna go. It’s like, nineties themed so we can dress up and you can get drinks and-” 

“No thanks. You have fun, though.” 

Sami blinked.

“Um… Please?” He heard his own voice crack. 

“Nah, gay bars aren’t my thing, mate.” Neville said, Geordie accent strong as ever. 

This is the point where Sami stopped acting like an adult. He climbed over the back of the couch to plop onto one of the cushions. 

“Aw, come on! Come out with me, puh-lease?! I didn’t even say it’s a gay bar!” Sami whined. 

“Is it a gay bar?” Neville sighed. 

“Well…” Sami avoided eye contact. “Um, yes, it’s the Underground up the block. BUT come on, you don’t have to be gay to have fun there!” 

“You have a good time, lad.” Neville paused his game. 

“I can’t go alone, Ade! Everyone is gonna think I have no friends!” 

“No one’s even gonna be lookin’ at ya!” 

“Um, have you _seen_ my outfit?” Sami asked, incredulously. 

“Go on then! Go get some dick, leave me alone, I’m almost done with this tournament.” Neville pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and got back to work, buttons tapping furiously. 

Sami, with a stuck out lip, climbed back over the couch and retreated to his bedroom. 

Heartbroken but stubborn, Sami allowed himself a moment to be sad but then made quick work of tying up his black boots and heading out. 

Loneliness be damned.

* * *

There was no point in driving when the club was so close so Sami, with hands shoved in his pockets, shuffled over. He wanted to hold his head up high and exude confidence but he couldn’t stop feeling unfavorable eyes on him as he walked. People wondering why he was alone, why was he dressed like that, why does his face look like that. The logical brain informed him time and again that no one cared about what he was doing, especially not a stranger just trying to get where they’re going. But that anxiety brain was a monster of an entity. 

He practiced making a normal, relaxed face as he approached the club. 

Right in the middle of a busy street, a black gate gave way to a welcoming patio, adorned with hanging lights and furniture that would have been out if it weren’t for the chilly weather. The face of the building had long panels of windows, giving a glimpse of the inside. To Sami, everyone looked to be having a good time, with smiles and perfect outfits. 

He took a deep breath and stepped inside, instantly greeted by Better Than Ezra’s “Good” on the speakers. A few tables were set up by the windows where patrons relaxed, enjoying snacks and drinks, although most of the floor was for dancing. It was populated, but only with maybe two dozen people. It was so refreshing to see men dancing with men; women with their arms around each other. No sideways glances of judgement. 

Against the wall, Sami eyed an empty stool at the bar and made a beeline for it. 

Instantly after taking the seat, Sami panicked when he remembered that he did not drink alcohol and was now sitting at a bar, predominantly serving alcohol. His brain screamed an ‘ _oh god, oh jeez, oh man_ ’ type of mantra until he noticed who was serving the drinks at the bar. 

The Underground had probably The Most Beautiful Man working as a bartender and Sami felt his jaw drop when this brunette angel looked in his direction. In the least cool manner possible, Sami clamped his hand over his mouth to make it less noticeable. 

Beautiful Man sauntered over from across the bar, with sparkly blue eyes and a too-tight shirt on, and Sami, despite wanting to run and hide, felt weighed down to his seat. 

“Hey cutie. What can I get ya?” He asked and smiled. 

Sami actually looked around, in disbelief that he was the one being addressed as ‘cutie’. 

“Wha, um. Hi.” He spat out, blinking rapidly in attempts to break the hypnotic gaze that bore into him. 

“Hi there,” Beautiful Man responded with a giggle that was both the cutest and sexiest thing Sami had ever witnessed, causing vastly conflicting emotions and heart palpitations. 

Sami bit his own tongue to avoid saying some variation of ‘hi’ again. 

“Um, can I um, have like, a sparkling water, maybe?” He managed to choke out. Sami couldn’t tell if it was the sentence or the way this Adonis rested on his forearms to lean in that was making him pant. 

“Of course ya can.” He winked, but to Sami’s dismay and pleasure, kept talking. “Are you okay, baby, ya seem nervous?” 

“Oh, haha…” Sami stared at his own folded hands. “I um, I am a little… I’ve never uh, been here before.” 

“That’s okay!” He smiled again. “I’ll take care of ya.” 

Sami watched him walk away with giant doe eyes, filled with sadness and lust and amazement all at once. He considered texting Neville to inform him that everything was already going wonderfully and he should be jealous, but then remembered that he was supposed to be mad at him. Instead, Sami turned his attention to the perfectly round ass fit snug in the Beautiful Man’s jeans while he fetched a cold La Croix from the bar fridge. 

Sami gulped and whispered a little ‘Oh boy…’ as his drink was delivered. 

“So what’s your name, cutie?” 

“Uhh…” Sami licked his lips and blinked a few times before he could remember. “Sami! Uh, Sami. That’s me.” 

“Sami.” Beautiful Man repeated, sounding similar in accent to the way Neville said it. “It’s nice ta meet ya, angel. I’m Finn.” 

“Finn… hi.” Sami gasped. 

Finn’s heavy lidded eyes moved in slow motion; at least that’s how Sami saw them. His vision was masked and tinted by a warm glow of heavenly rays, framing Finn’s face and he could have almost sworn that neon pink hearts were blossoming and popping around like balloons. 

“So what brings ya here, Sami?” He asked, resting his chin on his hand. 

“Oh… haha… I uh, just… wanted to check it out. Some of my um, customers told me about it.” Sami stammered so much from his anxiety, and then worsened it by assuming he looked like an absolute dork in front of Finn. 

“Oh! What d’ya do?” Finn’s face brightened up, making him look even more like a warm sunshine than he did before. 

“What do I…” Sami trailed off. _Don’t say grocery store. Don’t say grocery store. Don’t say grocery store._ A little lightbulb went off in his head, and he elected to claim only his side-project and omit the day job.

“I do freelance art? Design stuff, y’know, or portraits for people who uh… need… those.” He said, bringing the can to his lips to stop his own flow of word-vomit. 

“Oh, really? That’s interesting!” Finn said. 

Right now, Sami’s eyes grew wide as he stared at the fingertips of Finn’s free hand, as they aimlessly stroked around the back of Sami’s own hand. His touches left little trails of electricity on Sami’s skin, accelerating his heart rate and sending his blood rushing at an alarming pace. Such an unwarranted display of intimacy would normally confuse Sami, maybe he’d pull his hand back and excuse himself. But the tingling sensations caused now, mixed with the content smile on Finn’s face made Sami feel like his body was made of jelly.

“Um… I…” Sami quickly wracked his brain to think of something clever or charming to say. Marriage proposal? Perhaps tell him that you would die for him? 

No, none of those. 

Before Sami had a chance to propose or proclaim his everlasting love, Finn was called away by another patron in need of a refill. He muttered a ‘be right back’ along with another pet name that Sami couldn’t quite hear.

“Don’t go…” Sami mumbled under his breath as Finn scampered over to assist whoever it was. What a harsh reality check Sami faced as he was reminded that he and Finn were not the only people in the bar. 

Sami looked down at his own hand, expecting to see glowing white trails left where Finn had touched. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had made him feel so wanted, so admired. All with the smallest gesture. 

He was approached (and mildly frightened) by Becky and Charlotte’s smiling faces. 

“Sami, you made it!” Becky beamed. She threw her arms around him and he was hit with the scents of vodka and strawberry shampoo on her. It did not bother him however and he hugged her back. 

“Come dance with us!” Charlotte nearly screamed. 

Sami looked back and disappointedly failed to see Finn. Perhaps he had gone into the back to fetch or refill something. He was completely aware of how bizarre and irrational he was being, but a part of his brain wondered if Finn would be offended or saddened when he returned and saw that Sami had left. They had a real connection, right? 

_Right?_

He shook his head and told himself that he was being crazy.

“Yeahh, okay!” Sami hopped from his seat and allowed himself to be escorted to the dance floor, one hand grasped by each girl. 

The Underground was a cozy place; no matter where you stood, the rest of the bar was visible. Sami tried to get into swaying and twirling and everything else Becky and Charlotte were leading him in, but inevitably, his eyes trailed back to the bar and whatever Finn was doing. Not even the Backstreet Boys could hold his attention for an undivided four minutes. Still, he didn’t want to be rude and genuinely was enjoying his time. So he danced and frolicked and laughed with his customers-turned-friends, dancing to anything from Backstreet Boys to Ginuwine to The Cardigans to Sublime. 

After what had to be a half hour, Sami had worked up a sweat and made his way back to the bar. Amazingly, his seat hadn’t been stolen and he snatched up the La Croix can he left behind to take a chug. His eyes drifted over to Finn, who was diligently tutting here and there around the populated bar. God, even his side profile was breathtaking. 

Sami decided to take a drink break. He had been dancing his ass off, of course. There was nothing strange about him choosing to sit and watch Finn work. Nothing strange at all. 

So, he reclaimed his seat and nervously chewed on the rim of his can. There was only a sip or two left, so he tried to retrieve his wallet from his back pocket and check his cash situation without being noticed. To his dismay, only a twenty dollar bill was found. He knew about bars inflating their drink prices and was fine with that concept. Support local and all. But he wanted to leave Finn a substantial tip. He earned it, obviously, by treating Sami like a human being. 

Sami nursed at his drink, taking little half sips here and there. He took a glance at his phone screen, amazed to find that it was almost 1AM. He hadn’t been out this late in ages. 

Also to his shock, there was a text from Neville: _Sorry for bein a dickhead. I won the tournie. Hope youre having fun xx_

Satisfied, Sami typed up a quick smiley face response and sent it off so he could get back to watching Finn. He refilled tap beers, crushed cranberries for mules, shook martinis, and collected an incredible amount of cash tips, all of which were shoved into the back pocket of his form-fitting jeans. Sami paid special attention to his mannerisms with the customers. He laughed and smiled and made small talk with everyone who bothered, but no one else was getting their hands stroked. No one else was getting leaned into. No one else got cute winks or pet names. It was completely obscene, he knew, to be so infatuated so soon, but maybe… Just maybe it wasn’t completely unfounded. 

Sami sighed to himself, holding his head up on one fist. Staring at Finn soon turned into staring into space, imagining how much fun they could have together once the bar cleared out. Surely Finn would walk over and they could keep talking, learn about each other’s favorite things, their passions, maybe make out. Who knew? So he played with his phone, refreshing this and that. To his delight, the website where people sent him commission requests for artwork had two new hits and he read up on those to get some ideas flowing. Maybe Finn would like to see his art. 

The time turned to 2AM and the bar was, if anything, more populated than it was before. Sami had only droplets left in his La Croix can. Even if he could afford another one, it didn’t feel worth it to bother Finn, who was actually busy. Not too busy, however, to send sweet smiles Sami’s way every time he was able to catch his breath. 

Another pressing issue, Sami recalled, was the day ahead of him tomorrow. He had to head back to work at noon the next day and temptation for bed was rising. His craving for attention told him to maybe wait around another hour and see if the bar calmed down, but right as the thought passed through his brain, a group of ten or so noisily came inside.

Muttering a ‘damnit’, Sami placed the 20-spot under the can and left his seat to go hunt down Becky and Charlotte to say goodnight. They hadn’t stopped drinking and dancing the whole time, bless their hearts. He gave them both hugs and adamantly resisted their protests while he tried to leave. 

Once he returned to the bar, unsurprisingly, all seats had been snatched up. He lingered around for a moment or two, awkwardly stepping around, in people’s way, just for a chance to say goodnight to Finn. 

“Uhm... “ Sami tried to garner some attention, but struggled. He didn’t want to be rude or interrupt what Finn was doing… but he also didn’t want to stand there all night, lest another person think he was weird. Sami crept around the length of the bar, until he was as close to the exit door as possible without actually going through it. He could see that Finn had managed to stop moving for a moment and Sami cleared his throat. 

“Uh… Bye, Finn!” He yelled, accidentally way louder than intended, making his voice crack. 

Finn’s head shot up to the source of the noise and he made a face when he realized where it came from, looking rather disappointed. 

“Oh! Bye, Sami! Come and see me again, okay?” He waved and turned his face to a happier one, giving one last wink and smile, making Sami’s stomach flip flop.

* * *

Sami practically sprinted home, nerves aflame and heart fluttering. He stopped at the side door leading to the apartment, hands trembling, wiggled his key inside and stomped up the stairs. He swung the front door open and slammed it closed behind him. 

“Oi, what’s all that?” Neville shouted from the couch. He had a fresh pizza slice folded in half in hand. 

“Dude!” Sami kicked off his boots in the hallway and trotted over. “You should have came, I’m telling you!” 

“What’re you going on about?” Neville asked, taking a giant bite. 

“I met an amazing guy!” Sami said gleefully, climbing over the back of the couch. “A guy who likes me and he’s gorgeous and he touched my hand and-and-and he really likes me! You have to come with me back there next time!”

“Oh, nice! Did ya get laid?” 

Sami snorted. “Is that all you think about? No, I didn’t get laid!” 

Neville threw his free hand up. “Why not?!” 

“Well, he was working, I couldn’t-” Sami started to explain. 

“Wait.” Neville stopped him. “He was _working_?” 

Sami blinked. “Well yeah, that’s why you gotta come with me next time so you can see him, he works there.”

“Oh my goooddd…” Neville pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sami, no.” 

“What do you mean no?” Sami stuck his lip out. 

“What does he do there?” 

“He was the bartender.” 

“Sami, nooooo…” Neville sighed exhaustedly. “The fuckin’ bartender’s job is to pretend he likes ya, Sami! That’s how he gets tips, ya dope!”

Sami gasped, horrified. “No! That’s not true, he really liked me, we had a connection!” 

He took a panicked moment to wrack his brain, to make sure he was remembering the evening correctly. Had he imagined all the special treatment and cute smiles and intimacy? No. No, they happened! He was certain that Finn liked him. 

“Yeah? A connection? And how big of a tip did you leave him?” Neville snarled. 

Sami’s nose wrinkled. “Well… I left a good one but… he was really busy, too, he deserved it!” 

“Oh my god. Did he even say more than two sentences to you, if he was so busy?”

“Dude, come on! I mean it, he liked me, I swear!” Sami whined, deflecting from the valid point that his friend made.

“Sami, you’re so fucking gullible.” Neville said, biting the pizza crust in half. 

“I am not…” Sami frowned. “Come with me next time, I wanna go back tomorrow! I have the next day off.” 

“Y’know what,” Neville said, mouth full. “Fine. I’ll go spot ya, since I guess you can’t be trusted all by yerself.” 

“Yes! You’ll see tomorrow! And it’ll be fun, we can dance!” Sami perked up, choosing to ignore Neville’s attempts at insults. 

“Yeah, whatever.” He rolled his eyes and focused his attention to the television and the background noise show that was on. 

“So, I’m gonna go to bed now…” 

Sami could have left right there but instead, with a goofy smile on his face, swayed back and forth. Neville gave him a sidelong glance. 

“Alright…” 

Sami kept the dumb look on his face and scooted closer. 

Neville let out the tiredest sigh and gave in to what he knew Sami wanted, turning his head and pushing his lips out. Sami quickly leaned in and gave him the most obnoxious goodnight kiss, complete with ‘mwah!’ noise. 

“Now get away from me.” Neville said, biting his lip to hide the forming smile. 

“Goodnight, I love you!” Sami climbed back over the couch to head to his room. 

“Ya know you could walk around the couch?” Neville called back. 

“No, not once!” Sami yelled back before closing his bedroom door. 

He undressed and hung all his clothes up, then plopped into bed and made a cocoon of blankets. Closing his eyes, he tried to relax but couldn’t shake the excitement that ran through his whole body over the idea of seeing Finn again.


	2. Two

Sami did 45 in a 30 mile hour zone going home from work.

It was a little past 11PM now. He had crushed his ten hour work day, keeping himself sane and excitable with thoughts of seeing Finn again. He had sent Neville maybe a hundred texts throughout the day, assuring that he was awake and fed and still willing to accompany Sami out later. At one point, he may have gotten his own number blocked but at least he had gotten the urgency of the matter across. 

Stomping up the apartment stairs, he resisted the urge to kick the front door down and instead, stepped inside calmly to try and mask the bouncing nerves. 

“Honey, I’m hooome!” Sami called out. 

“Okay!” was called from the other room. Sami could hear the pitter-patter of the shower water crashing against the bathtub floor. He was happy that Neville was getting ready but also annoyed that now he had to wait. He decided to take his time changing and preening himself. All his clothes were removed and the lines pressed into his legs were scratched at. He stretched long limbs out and cleaned his face with a wet wipe. More deodorant and cologne was applied since he had developed a phobia of smelling bad in his adult life. 

One of the reasons they had gotten their Allentown apartment was so cheap, was that the only shower was connected right into Sami’s bedroom. They realized later that it was intended to be a one-bedroom and the owner had convinced them that the office space was a second bedroom. Whatever, they made it work. Neville had prepared an outfit for himself and it was strewn on Sami’s comforter. 

He heard the faucet stop and Neville step out so he hurriedly ran to his dresser. His own naked body was nothing that Neville hadn’t seen before but it remained a never-ending source of anxiety and insecurity for him. 

He pulled on some nice black jeans and a v-neck tee shirt, as if he was going to a job interview and not a bar. He was twisting and turning in the body-length mirror when Neville walked in, towel tied around his thin waist. His long black hair was tied up and drip-dropped along Sami’s floor. 

“Hey, do I look okay?” Sami asked, hands nervously halfway shoved in his pockets. “I wanna wear a hat too but I dunno if I should wear it like, front ways?” 

“Ya look fine.” Neville said plainly, squinting to see what Sami even had on. Shyness was never a trait he possessed and he freely dried himself off, unbothered by Sami’s presence. “Wear it backwards like yer a bad boy.” 

Sami pouted and sat on the foot of the bed by the clothes. He knew he might regret saying it out loud, but he couldn’t help but mumble, “I’m really excited to see Finn.” 

“Calm down, lad. Now how many drinks are ya gonna buy me?” Neville snarked. 

Sami smiled softly. “As many as twenty bucks can get you? Minus a water for me? Minus pizza when we get home?” 

“I’ll just add it to yer tab.”

* * *

Sami skipped towards the front door of the club, holding hands with Neville who was being dragged behind. They were already- by Sami’s standards- late, since they had to run back to the apartment to grab sweaters. 

“Come on, come on!” Sami cheered. 

“I swear ta god if anyone hits on me, Sami, you’re my husband.” Neville warned, pointing one finger. 

“No! Besides you love getting hit on.” Sami giggled. 

“I don’t wanna have to turn anyone down! I don’t wanna hurt feelings!” He explained. 

Sami snickered and escorted them both inside. There was more lighting than the day before- maybe to separate the normal bar days from the grunge-inspired nineties night. Sami recognized an early 2000’s pop hit on the overhead but couldn’t put his finger on it. The bar must have been hosting parties based on past decades. 

To his immediate dismay, there was a different person working at the bar. A pretty girl instead of his dreamboat future husband. 

“Is that Finn?” Neville asked, squinting hard. 

“No. Wear your fucking glasses sometime.” Sami said, sounds of disappointment and misplaced anger ever present in his voice. 

Sami noticed that the seat he had occupied the night before was open, along with the one beside it. They took the stools before anyone else could; Neville looking at the drink specials, Sami looking forlorn. 

“Hey guys!” The pretty girl who Was Not Finn bounced over to them. Her long hair was wavy, colored like chocolate and caramel. She had big, bright eyes and high cheekbones. 

“Can I grab you something?” She asked. 

Sami smiled softly, unable to do anything more. Neville asked for a double-vodka something or other and made it very clear that Sami would be paying at the end of the night. 

“Did you not even confirm that he’d be here tonight?” Neville asked after shooting back the entirety of his drink. 

“Well…” Sami felt his lower lip stick out. “I just hoped…” 

“Hmm. Is that him, by chance?” Neville directed his infuriating squint elsewhere, openly pointing at a young man. Sami glanced over, glum at first but then nearly hopping out of his seat. 

Finn was bussing the tables in the bar, ceramic bowls and plates lining his forearms and palms. Still managing to make small talk with guests, too. He was wearing a jean jacket tonight and it was opened just enough to expose his beautiful neck and collarbones, visible through the undershirt. His amazing giggle could be heard from whatever funny thing a customer had said to him. 

Sami briefly felt faint. He slammed Neville’s hand down, before Finn could see that he was being pointed at. 

“Yesthat’shim!” Sami blurted out, now shaking his knees and chewing the inside of his lip. 

“Tell ‘im to come over here so I can look at him!” Neville said, at a completely normal speaking volume, and was immediately shushed by Sami. 

“He can’t hear me!” 

“Shush!” Sami sat up straight in his seat, flattening out any potential wrinkles in his sweater, peering around liquor bottles to try and catch his reflection in the mirrors behind the bar. 

Finn bypassed the bar completely, carefully but quickly over to the kitchen to drop off the dishes. Sami’s brain, panicked and excited as it was, stopped to marvel at the discovery that this bar served double as a restaurant. Maybe Finn was a good cook? 

To Sami’s delight, he reappeared moments later, sporting a clean rag over his wrist. 

“Foxie, d’you know if the order is comin’ tomo-” Finn started to ask his pretty coworker. 

His words trailed off, and to Sami’s absolute fucking amazement, Finn abandoned his sentence and ducked under the bar briefly, resurfacing with a cold La Croix can. He then scurried over to where Sami was sitting with Neville.

“Hi, Finn!” Sami said, smiling so hard that his cheeks hurt. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

“Hey, darlin’!” Finn cooed. “I never got to t’ank you last night.”

Finn cracked the La Croix can for Sami and passed it over. As if nothing had ever interrupted them last night, Finn made himself comfortable, resting on his forearms, leaned in to meet Sami’s eyes. 

“Oh, why would you thank me?” Sami asked, taking a sip without question. _I should be thanking you for letting me look at your face, holy fuck._

“Ya left me a tip! And ya kept me company before everyone an’ their mum all came in at once.” Finn said. Just like last night, there he was, drawing little circles on the back of Sami’s hand with one finger. And there Sami was, feeling all of his blood rush downward until he was a confusing combination of turned on and light headed. 

“My pleasure,” Sami gasped. “I wish I could keep you company all night!” 

“Oh, yeah?” Finn raised an eyebrow, smile turning devilish. 

Sami stopped for a second and let the accidental innuendo he had spoken crash onto his skull like a ton of bricks. 

“Oh! Um… I mean… hahaha…” He stammered, feeling his cheeks turn red. 

“Oi, mate, could ya grab me a refill. Put it on Sami Lame’s tab.” Neville cut in suddenly, perhaps to save Sami from himself. 

Finn looked quizzically at Neville, processing his request as if he had forgotten that he was at work. With a few bats of long eyelashes in Sami’s direction, he mumbled a ‘yeah, of course’ and went to the other side of the bar to grab the necessary liquors. 

“Sami, oh my god.” Neville started, speaking low just as Finn left ear shot.

“What?” Sami temporarily snapped out of his hazy lovestruck state. 

“He’s a fucking idiot.” Neville said, as if it were obvious. 

“You shut _the fuck_ up, I love him!” Sami growled through a clenched jaw. “How could you even say that, he’s only been here for two seconds!” 

“I can see it in his eyes! Fuckin’ lights are on, no one’s home!” Neville hissed back, quickly now, as Finn was coming back with his drink. 

“I will fucking fist fight you in this bar, you mother- Oh hey!” Sami’s face lit back up when Finn returned. He obediently handed Neville his drink. 

“Cheers, mate.” Neville took it, gave Sami a firm smack on the shoulder and fucked off somewhere, undeniably on a mission to go get hit on. 

Finn watched him walk away. Hesitantly, now, he asked, “Is that your boyfriend?” 

Sami almost choked on his water. “Adrian?! God, no! Psh! Haha, no! I don’t have a boyfriend! Or a girlfriend! Y’know, haha, just me here!” 

He wondered if the display was over dramatic but he wanted to be abundantly clear. 

“Oh… Okay.” Finn relaxed a little and made himself comfortable, regaining his previous position. 

“Are ya less nervous today, baby?” He asked. 

Sami shrugged. “I think so. Being around you makes me less nervous.” 

“Aw. You’re sweet.” Finn blinked his pretty eyes in what Sami interpreted as slow motion. 

“You’re sweet…” Sami mumbled, earning another amazing giggle. 

“Listen, baby… We’re short staffed today and I’ve gotta float around. I been bussin’ tables an’ shit like that all night. But I’ll be by to check on you when I can.” Finn said. 

“Oh, okay!” Sami nodded, eyes bright like a puppy. A question popped into his head, and before he could consider if it was a good idea to ask it, it came blurting out.

“Hey, um, how come you’re treating me so nice? I was watching you and stuff last night, you didn’t treat anyone else so special.” 

As soon as the words left his lips, Sami felt his face get hot. Finn however, did not react anyway that would promote a feeling of shame. In fact, he stopped and seemed to really consider the question before answering: 

“I just love the way you look at me.” 

Sami blinked, clutching the cold La Croix can. 

“Really?” He gasped, struggling to believe what he was hearing. 

Finn nodded. “Yeah. Reminds me of something I can’t quite put my finger on, but… Makes me feel special.” 

Sami grinned as big as he could. “Well, I’ll keep it up then.” 

Finn gave him a wink and went back to work. As if on cue, Neville slunk back up to Sami’s side and ordered another drink from Foxie. 

“Mate… I think the blond lad over there likes me.” 

Sami happily hummed and pushed some of Neville’s long hair behind his ear. 

“Maybe you should go dance with him?” 

“Eh.” Neville shrugged and sipped his drink. Sami could tell by the half-lidded eyes that he was already a little drunk. 

“I don’t want ‘im to think that I’m gonna suck his dick if we dance together. Y’know? I don’t wanna be a cock tease.” 

“Just dance! It’ll be fun.” Sami snorted. A comment like that may have otherwise upset him or made him punch Neville’s shoulder but in this moment, he felt like he was sitting on a cloud instead of a bar stool.

“Okaayyy…” Neville turned to walk away, stopped himself, then turned back. “I love youuu.” 

“I love you.” Sami leaned over to peck a kiss onto his cheek, then patted his butt to send him off. 

Sami nursed his drink and people-watched. When Finn was busy, Foxie kept him company, talking about the neighborhood, local sports, business trends, anything. Between tasks, Finn would stop over and check in, making time to touch Sami’s curls or his hand, blinking slowly and smiling so soft. 

Neville was having a fantastic time once the classic pop hits kicked in, dancing with a good looking blond and everyone else in his area. The drinks kept pouring, which always made his cuddlier side emerge, away from the sharp-tongued normality. 

After 1AM passed, Finn and Foxie’s business slowed down briefly and they took their turns dancing behind the bar, twirling each other around and laughing. Sami caught Finn staring back at him a few times, usually when Finn was shaking and flaunting his perfect body in such a tempting way. 

But of course, more crowds came in, as they always did. Saturday nights were always packed, Sami had learned. 

Finn sauntered back onto the floor to clear off more tables. Sami watched him walk, admiring how his clothes fit him so tight and accentuated his lovely features. 

What Sami hadn’t counted on happening, however, was right as Finn went to collect the dishes from a table, a man much larger than him made a beeline to follow. Sami’s breath caught in his throat as he watched. The man growled a “God _damn_!” and invited himself to give Finn an open-palmed smack on the ass. 

Sami gasped, as did those standing around. 

Finn visibly froze up, clutching the glassware in his hands. He did not turn around to see who was harassing him, just held a breath and tried to calm down. 

“What’s yer fuckin’ problem, mate?!” 

Sami heard the ever familiar accent pipe up. 

“You can’t just touch people, ya fuckin’ cretin!” Neville snarled. He had disconnected from his latest dance partner, now squaring up to this man who was easily twice his size. 

“Sweetheart, it’s okay.” Finn said. Even though the music was bumping, Sami could still hear his voice since everyone else had gone silent. 

Foxie spoke up and banished the offender from the bar. He left in a big huff, swearing and threatening all the way out. 

Sami watched him leave, feeling an instant weight fall onto his chest. He clutched his drink can until his knuckles grew white, breaths coming in short and fast. Vision growing blurry, he looked over to find Finn and Neville speaking low to each other. 

Not knowing what else to do, but feeling the incoming dread and misery he knew so well, Sami pushed his stool away and ran out the door. 

Once outside, the bitter air hit him like a smack, tightening his chest even more and stinging his tear-filled eyes. He tried running left up the block, but found a group of people approaching so turned and ran right. To his fortune, the group piled into the bar. Now with no one looking, he resorted to clamoring into the alley next to the bar and falling to his knees. 

Sami stayed there, panicked, unsure how much time was passing. He just tried to focus on breathing, focus on relaxing, anything to get this acidic feeling in his blood go away. Intrusive thoughts came, as they always did. What kind of man couldn’t even stick up for the person he was chasing? How could he allow this to happen without saving Finn?

Panting and sobbing, Sami’s nerves raced around his arms and back, making him numb to the cold. There was no way he could face Finn now. There was no way he could come back here. Not after everyone had seen him do nothing. 

Past his shoulder, Sami heard footsteps shuffling and stumbling towards him. He tried to brush his tears away fast as he could, and soften his breathing so as to not gain attention. However, the uneven footsteps belonged to Neville, who unceremoniously dropped his body down onto the cold, wet ground. Sami wasn’t certain if he was grateful or resentful for his friend’s intrusion. Part of him wanted to be miserable and peace, but it was nice to know that someone cared enough to check up.

“HEY. What’re ya doin’? Me an’ Finn’s are lookin’ for you.” Neville started, slurring his words. “Hey, are you? Oh nooo, why’re you cryin’?” 

Sami didn’t even have time to consider if he should confess his feelings to his drunken pal. They kind of came tumbling out. 

“I’m so fucking stupid.” Sami said, face turned completely into a frown. 

“Erm, yea, y’are sometimes?” Neville wrapped his arm around Sami’s broad shoulders. “Wh-Why are you sayin’ that?” 

Sami felt his lip quiver, making it difficult to speak. “I’m so stupid to even dream that he would ever love me.” 

With that, he squeezed his eyes shut as a fit of sobs ran over him; constricting his ribs and making hands tremble. 

“Heyyy… Hey now, come on…” Neville said. “Why’re you sayin’ that? C’monnn.” 

“I couldn’t even stand up for him…” Sami cried into his hands. 

“Well, hey… I was right there, man. Y’know I’m not gonna keep m’mouth shut. Ya can’t just fly across th’ bar to take that dickhead down, tha’ss not how real life works. Yer not Mighty Mouse.” Neville did his best to comfort. 

“It doesn’t matter, Ade. I’m not what he needs.” Sami took his hands away from his face to sternly cross his arms by his chest.

Even in a drunkened stupor, Neville managed to see the truth behind what was causing all this upset. It had been the same thing for the ten years they’d been friends. 

“Sami… I’ve told ya thissa hundred times. You are not defined by what’s in yer underpants, mate.” 

“I know…” Sami sniffled again. “But what if the rest of me isn’t good enough to make him look past it?” 

Neville stood now, shakily, and dragged Sami up with him. “It’s not somethin’ he has to look past. If he doesn’t love you exactly how y’are, then it’s his fuckin’ loss and we move on. Now on yer feet, soldier.” 

Sami staggered up and wiped at his cheeks, unable to stop the tears from flowing. In his brain, he knew Neville was right. He was always right, and notorious for never lying, even when it may be necessary. There was no way that anyone who held the type of prejudice he feared so badly could be worth his time. His heart would get over it eventually if that was the case- he’d done it before. But goddamnit if this instance wouldn’t fucking hurt. 

“I just…” Sami sighed, voice thick from sadness. He didn’t even know what point he could make to counteract his friend. There probably wasn’t one. 

Just as Neville was about to make another point, his eyes shifted from Sami’s stupid, sad face over to the street. Squinting, he made out the distinct body shape. 

Finn had managed to escape from the bar and was now searching along the block for something. He had a clipboard in hand for some reason. 

“Sami!” Neville hissed. “He’s lookin’ fer ya!” 

“What? Nooo, he’s probably busy with-” 

But before Sami could work out his hypothetical situation, Neville cranked his arms back and gave a giant two-handed shove against Sami’s back, sending him propelling onto the sidewalk and nearly tripping into the street. 

“Hey, why would you-” Sami went to yell at Neville, who stayed hidden in the alley, but before he could, was caught like a doe in headlights. That is, if a doe was a socially anxious redhead and the headlights were a hot bartender. 

“Sami! My goodness, what an entrance.” Finn said, one hand clutched to his chest. 

“Oh! Um, sorry, my friend uh… Sorry.” Sami suddenly forgot how to operate his own arms, weirdly swaying and moving his hands around. 

“That’s okay, sweetheart. I was just doin’ some inventory downstairs and you weren’t there when I came up… I’ve been lookin’ for you.” Finn stepped closer, casually at first, then cautiously. “Sami, are… are you cryin’, darlin’?” 

“Oh no!” Sami aggressively brushed at his eyes and cheeks with the butt of his sweater sleeve covered hand. “I’m just like, um, allergic to… stuff.” 

“Darlin’...” Finn reached out to rest his hand on Sami’s chest; the touch hesitant, barely-there. Sami flinched at the contact, worried that Finn would detect his surgery scars even through three layers of clothing.

Still, beyond the nerves, Sami wished he would come closer; wished they could wrap each other up and kiss and be safe in their love. But his wish was just that, and he tried to squeeze his eyes shut as reality set in and he remembered everything that Finn didn’t know about him. 

“Finn, can I just…” Sami mumbled. He looked down at the piercing blue eyes, half lidded and looking heavy with worry. The dim glow from the streetlights accentuated his features, the full lips and flawlessly shaped nose and cheeks. 

“I think… that you are so beautiful.” Sami finally said. Another two tears flowed from his eyes. 

“Sami…” Finn’s worry did not disappear, but lightened. 

Sami paused; then choked.

“... Okay, bye.” He turned on his heel and started to walk away, so embarrassed that his ears were burning hot. 

“No, wait!” Finn stumbled forward, snatching Sami’s sweater sleeve before he could get too far. 

Sami bit his lip to keep it steady and turned back. Finn looked at his clipboard, removed the ink pen from it and gestured for Sami’s hand. Confused, Sami obliged and for good reason, as Finn started scribbling on the palm of his hand. 

“Erm… I gotta get back in…” Finn gave Sami his hand back.

With wide eyes, Sami gazed down at his own palm as if it was some sort of treasure, as it was now decorated with a phone number and a little heart doodle. 

“Text me, okay?” He asked, waiting until he had walked away a few paces before giving Sami his signature wink and smile. 

Sami fetched Neville from the alley and walked the entire way home holding his marked hand upwards like it was something sacred.

* * *

“Just say ‘hey this is Sami from the bar, when do ya wanna come sit on my face?’” Neville suggested, laying with arms crossed behind his head on Sami’s bed. 

“Absolutely not!” Sami whined. 

They had safely made it home without the ink on Sami’s hand getting smudged or tarnished and were now gathered around an iPhone screen, trying to formulate the perfect greeting. 

“I wanna make a good impression, you asshole.” Sami said. 

“What good impression is there to make? He already likes ya! You said that yerself. I seen it!” 

“This is different now! This is like, I-R-L contact!” Sami let one hand flail about. He carefully typed out ‘ _hey this is Sami (:_ ’ then stared at the screen like it was a puzzle. 

“Tell ‘im you want ‘im to fertilize yer soil.” 

“No!” Sami didn’t bother looking back at the undoubtedly smarmy look on his friend’s face. 

‘ _Hey this is Sami. (:_ ’ 

“Hmm.” 

“Tell him you want ‘im to plant his seed in you.” 

“Ew, no! Would you knock it off!? Why are all your pick-up lines plant based?” Sami snarled, then patiently returned to his text, poking each letter key with precision. 

‘ _Hey, this is Sami. (: I hope you had a good rest of your night._ ’

“Plant based is a lifestyle, not just a diet, Sami.” 

“Shut up, I’m trying to focus.” 

‘ _Hey, this is Sami! (: I hope you had a good rest of your night. I was wondering if maybe you’d want to get coffee with me sometime?_ ’ 

“Here, how’s this?” Sami held the phone screen up to Neville’s face so he could review and rate. 

“Hmm… Wait.” Neville held one finger up. “There’s one problem.” 

“What is it?” Sami’s nose wrinkled. 

“Right here.” Neville pretended to point out an error, but really just tapped the ‘Send’ button. 

“AH! NO, WHY!?” Sami shrieked. The ‘Delivered’ note appeared under the text and Sami frantically tapped all sorts of buttons, trying to find a magic ‘un-send’ function.

“Ya weren’t gunna send it if I hadn’t done that!” Neville put his hand back where it was, behind his head. 

“I needed to edit it first! Oh… Oh my goooodd.” Sami watched in horror as a cluster of ellipses appeared from Finn’s side of the conversation. “Oh my god, Adrian Benjamin Neville I swear-” 

“Did he read it already? He musta been starin’ at his phone, waitin’ for ya.” Neville sat up, squinting at the tiny screen.

Sami watched between slits in his fingers as his palm was flattened across his face. The ellipses stopped, disappeared for a second, then was replaced by a brand new message. 

‘ _that sounds lovely. (: i’m free tuesday morning or sunday if you’d like_ ’

Sami’s jaw dropped. He quickly typed up ‘ _tuesday is perfect_ ’ and decided that he would figure out the details of their meetup later. 

“Okay, you gotta go.” He playfully smacked Neville’s leg. “Go on, get in your own bed.” 

“No, I’m already all comfortable here.” Neville kept his eyes closed. 

“Get out, I wanna masturbate.” Sami admitted quietly. 

“I sleep through you wankin’ all the time, just turn the lights off. I can hear you from across the flat half the time.” 

“GET.” Sami pointed to the door. 

Neville pretended to have an attitude, rolling his eyes dramatically, but complied. 

“I love you.” Sami said. 

“Love you. G’night.” 

Sami closed the door behind him and shut his light off. Now that he had privacy, he sat on the bed and finished undressing. Boxer briefs were stripped away and before he could throw them to the hamper or the floor, he felt a substantial damp spot in the fabric. Shuddering, he let his body fall back into bed, situated his pillows just right and closed his eyes. 

One hand slid down between his legs, lip bit and mind focusing on how electrifying it felt to be touched by Finn, even if it had only been for a few fleeting seconds.


	3. Three

Caffe Aroma was a quaint coffee stop right in the village where Sami worked and lived. It had all sorts of espressos, milkshakes, baked goods and even wine if a patron so chose. It was, he decided, the perfect place to take Finn on a first date.

‘ _that sounds wonderful, what time shall we meet?_ ’ Finn had texted. Sami frolicked around the apartment in his underwear, holding his phone like it was a precious gem. He had chosen to take Finn up on the Tuesday morning meetup, since he couldn’t imagine waiting any longer to see him again. He knew he was expected at work later on in that day, but making the date as early as possible would leave for plenty of time. It was hard to resist going to the bar in attempts to see Finn, but Neville insisted that they keep it cool. He seemed really adamant about not wanting to go so Sami listened. He was usually right, anyways. 

Despite all the excitement he felt in his heart and the way it made his legs shake and heart skip, Sami still struggled with the premise of the date. Dysphoria was one ugly bitch and reared its horrible head every time he tried to daydream about his potential romance. 

‘Coming out’ was a concept he was all too familiar with. He came out every single day. Every time he helped a customer and they recognized the flag on his nametag. Any time he was brought into a political discussion. At any new doctor’s office, or whenever a family member addressed him as the name that now made his skin crawl. It wasn’t something to be ashamed off and he had worked his ass off to be in the physical and mental position he had achieved now. But it did get a little tiring to have to see the confusion on people’s faces, the tilted heads and then the bravado of how accepting and open said person is. 

He sighed and clutched his pillow the night before his date, wondering how he would tackle coming out to Finn. 

_You see, I’m a man. Obviously. But I guess I wasn’t born… a man? I mean I was born a baby, but y’know. I uh… don’t have a dick._

Even though this had been a thousand times before, when imagining doing it with Finn, Sami couldn’t get the phrasing right. He tried explaining it in terms of behavior:

_I’ve just liked what I liked ever since I was a little kid. I didn’t think I was a boy in a girl’s body. And I hate it when people say that. But I never liked what people wanted me to like as a girl. My brothers’ toys were way cooler than the ones everyone got me. My mom caught on. I remember one Christmas she got me this sick ass remote controlled T-Rex toy while all my aunties got me Barbies and shit. When Adrian came to America and we met in high school, it was the best year of my life. We just clicked. He didn’t treat me like a boy or girl or anything other than a friend. I felt so safe with him… Still do._

But he felt himself getting off track. He considered explaining himself in a way that focused on the physical aspects: 

_Once I grew old enough to be really aware of my own appearance, I always found that I was more comfortable wearing what the boys wore. My mom wanted to put me in dresses with pretty pins in my hair, but I was so much happier in shorts and tee shirts. I would cry about it and my mom stopped trying. Then when I got into high school, I thought I hated my appearance so badly because I was ugly. So I got really good at makeup. I had every lip color, eyeshadow, highlighter and blush you could imagine. Everyone started telling me how nice I looked and that helped for a while. Until after graduation, I caught myself in the bathroom mirror with no makeup on. I looked so masculine and… I liked it. It was wild when I started to transition, because people thought I was this girly-girl. They had no idea how unhappy I was. It’s not that I was born in the wrong body. That’s not it at all. My body is just fine, and I’m grateful for what I’ve got. I just had to grow up a little before I realized how to make it exactly the way I wanted._

But that couldn’t properly explain how he felt. There were layers to delve into. Maybe Finn wouldn’t want to listen to all the hullabaloo. Maybe Finn would balk and turn away as soon as he understood what Sami was getting at… No. Couldn’t be. Not Finn. 

_Not this boy that I barely know…_

Sami tossed and turned in bed, grabbing at another pillow to cradle his head in. He squeezed it tight, smelling Neville’s shampoo on the fabric. He tried to close his eyes and relax his muscles a bit longer but grew tired of being restless. He got out of bed, snatched a blanket up and padded over to Neville’s room in only his undies. 

As predicted, his friend was laying shirtless in bed, playing with his phone. He looked away from the screen with a bit of worry on his face. 

“Y’okay, babe? Ya have a bad dream?” 

“No…” Sami mumbled and threw his blanket flat onto Neville’s bed. The bed took up most of his room since the space was never intended for a human to live in anyway. 

Now with the blanket flat, Sami laid on the edge of the bed and rolled his body towards Neville until he was snuggled up like a soft and warm burrito. 

“What’s wrong?” Neville asked in a singsong voice.

“What if Finn doesn’t like me.” Sami whispered. 

“He already likes ya.” Neville reminded. 

“What if he finds a reason not to like me?” 

“Then fuck him, y’don’t need ‘im.” 

Sami grumbled and tried to sink into his blanket and disappear. Neville took a hand away from his phone and rubbed circles into Sami’s shoulders. After a moment of pouting, Sami crawled a little ways out of his blanket burrito to rest his weary head on Neville’s chest. 

“What am I gonna wear…” He said, slightly muffled from his mouth smushed against the muscled pectoral. 

“I’m amazed that you hadn’t come up with somethin’ yet.” Neville smirked. 

“I came up with a couple things but I hated them all… Remember those nice icey grey jeans you got me for Christmas? They don’t fit anymore.” 

“Ah, I liked those on you.” 

“I know. I’m pissed.” Sami huffed. “I’ve gotten so fucking fat since we moved here. Nothing fits.” 

“Oh, aye, you’ve gotten fat. You mean as opposed to when you were so depressed that ya barely ate anything?” Neville took Sami’s chin in hand and angled his face up to make eye contact. 

“Ya look fine, mate. Healthy.”

Sami pushed his lips out so Neville could give him a chaste kiss. 

“I just hope it all goes well.” He sighed. 

“Just keep bein’ yerself. If that hasn’t scared him away by now, you’re in good shape.” 

“Ugh.”

* * *

Sami had been clutching the steering wheel for so long that his fingers had started to hurt. The car was still parked, still in the lot across the street from the apartment. Sami could see his bedroom from where he sat in the driver’s seat. And from his reflection in the rearview mirror, he could see that his eyes had welled up with tears. 

He hated his outfit. He hated his hair. Hated his stupid ugly face. Hated his stupid voice and everything about himself that he was about to bring into Finn’s life. Finn was going to see him and probably spend the entire date asking himself why he agreed to go out with such a hideous loser.

 

It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth going on this date, only to get his feelings hurt again after falling too hard too fast, _again_. He should just get back in the apartment and block Finn’s number. Maybe move. Maybe quit jobs so they weren’t in such close proximity. 

Neville was at the gym where he worked and probably with a client that he trained. It would be completely rude and impractical for Sami to call him and interrupt him but holy fuck did he need some reassurance, some advice, some confidence, some anything. But if he couldn’t produce any of that himself then what was he even doing showing his face in public. 

He just stared at the clock above his car radio. 

10:43AM. 

He and Finn had agreed to meet at 11AM and Caffe Aroma was less than a 10 minute drive. At this point, the car was rocking just a little bit over how aggressively Sami’s leg was shaking. 

10:44AM. 

Sami rested his head against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. 

Pathetic. Useless. Ugly. 

He heard his own breathing become louder and more labored. 

Time-waster. Flawed. Unloveable. 

He ripped the key from the ignition and turned his body over to swing the door open and run back upstairs, when a little buzz came from his phone in the vehicle’s cup holder. 

‘ _It’s on the corner of Bidwell, yeah? I think I got myself a little lost haha (:_ ’ from Finn. 

Sami blinked at the text. Something about it made his muscles unwind. There was no stopping the rapid heartbeat in his chest, but maybe it could alter a little bit more towards ‘excited’ than ‘anxious’.

He unlocked his phone and reassured Finn of where he was going and, fingers typing faster than his brain could keep up with, threw a little ‘ _can’t wait to see you_ ’ into the mix and hit send. 

“Fuck… okay. It’s okay… It’s cool… Just….” He replaced the key and started the car. Very carefully he pulled away and headed towards the cafe, keeping the radio silent so he could focus on calming his thoughts. 

The ride was fast and he was able to park right around the corner of the cafe at 10:52AM. He hopped out and tried his best to strut with confidence into the cafe, in case Finn had managed to get there before he had. 

He stepped in and surveyed the tiny wood tables. Caffe Aroma was cute and small on the inside, with quaint tiled floors and a bar that took up most of the space. Awkwardly, Sami found a table by the wide open windows. An employee at the bar gave him a weird look so he explained, maybe a little too loudly, that he was waiting for his date. 

He cringed at himself then buried his face in his phone. Thus, the waiting game began. 

Sami looked over his shoulder and peered through the window in 30 second intervals. He tried to kill his time by struggling to connect to the cafe wifi, aimlessly scrolling through Tumblr and skimming news articles that he was really too nervous to comprehend. 

The time rolled around to 11AM and his nerves quadrupled instantly. A sweat broke out over his back and forehead. What if Finn had sent him the directions text as like a diversion so Sami wouldn’t realize that he wasn’t coming? What if Finn was at The Underground instead, making fun of Sami with all his hot coworkers? Why would he be at the bar so early, they don’t even open until 2PM?

11:01AM. 

Sami eyeballed the barista minding her own business behind the counter. God, he had _so loudly_ told her that he was waiting for a date. Now when Finn doesn’t show up, she’s gonna _know_. 

11:02AM. 

But, wait! What if something horrible happened? What if Finn was crossing the busy street and was struck by a bus? Or maybe someone snatched him up? Oh my god, what was Sami doing just sitting here, he had to go rescue-

11:03AM.

Sami audibly gasped when he caught a glimpse of Finn casually strolling up the sidewalk. His hands were shoved in his pockets, little head protected in a Carhartt beanie. Sami watched him stop, squint at the store title of the cafe veranda, nod to himself and step inside. All at once, Sami’s body responded and he jumped from his chair to wave as Finn walked in. 

“Hey!” Finn said, smiling so big. His cheeks were flushed red from the bitter cold but he was still an absolute vision in Sami’s eyes. 

“Hi, Finn.” Sami nearly tripped over his chair to meet him halfway, instinctively opening his arms up like how he usually greeted Neville. 

“Oh. I like hugs.” Finn said, a little confused but still happy. 

Sami’s brain short-circuited a little and he considered taking his arms back, maybe cutting them off, but before he could, Finn allowed himself to sink into the warm embrace. 

“Mmm… You smell like sugar cookies.” Finn mumbled. He squeezed Sami nice and tight. 

“My roommate says I smell like brown sugar!” Sami squeaked, eyes wide. 

Finn gave his amazing giggle and separated them. To Sami’s amazement however, he linked their hands up at their sides. His fingers were icy cold from the outside. 

“Oh my god, you’re freezing!” Sami said, giddy from the contact. 

“Yeah… Let’s get drinks!” Finn pulled him over to the bar. 

Finn ordered a no-sugar flat white and Sami got an almond milk macchiato. Sami had eyed the vegan cranberry cookies behind the display glass, but was too nervous to get one. While they waited at the pick-up side of the bar, Sami idly swung Finn’s hand around for a moment, before bringing it up to his mouth to smooch the frozen knuckles. 

Before he even realized what he did and how it may be perceived as ‘too much’ for a first date, Finn flashed him that marvelous smile. 

“I like that.” He said, offering his other hand as well. Sami was unsure if he had gone back into the apartment and into bed since he had to be dreaming this. Either way, he took Finn’s other hand and kissed that one too. 

“I gotta make you warm!” Sami laughed through the growing heat in his ears. To his amazement, Finn closed the space between them to cuddle into Sami’s chest, their hands still connected. Sami held his breath, as if the movements in his chest would disturb Finn somehow. 

“My lips are really cold, still.” Finn said, turning his gaze up from his snuggle spot. He was just the right height to stay nestled in Sami’s neck.

“Your lips are…” Sami blinked and took a quick survey of the cafe around him, checking for hidden cameras or mics in case he was on a prank show. The room looked secure and Finn looked like he meant what he said so… Fuck it. 

Sami replaced a hand from being intertwined around Finn’s, to gently holding under his chin, and leaned in to kiss the pretty, full lips. 

They weren’t cold at all, instead felt like warm cushions, sweet to taste, gladly accepting his own against them. The kiss sent a chill all through Sami’s body, starting in his ears, travelling down his spine, leaving goosebumps in its trail. Finn squeezed his hand as they kissed even deeper, sending a lightening-level shock now, buckling Sami’s knees and giving him an exciting tingle in his boxer briefs. 

“Your drinks?” The girl at the bar called out. When Sami opened his eyes, he noticed that she was staring directly at them and very possibly could have been the whole time. 

“Oh!... Thanks.” Finn smiled shyly and took his, summoning Sami back to the table he had been waiting at before.

Sami noticed as he took his own cup that his hands were shaking. 

Never before had he experienced someone else so eager to be affectionate, like how he himself was. It was especially rare for the affection to be directed towards him. There weren’t many people in the cafe with them, and those who were had laptops or phones or company to divert their attention. Still, Sami worried that someone would look at them with judgement. It wasn’t every day that two guys just randomly started making out in the pick-up line. They probably deserved some level of judgement, if he was honest with himself.

Either way, he sat down across from Finn and their hands linked again along the tabletop.

“You look very handsome.” He said, eyes bright. 

Sami blinked. “Wait, me?” 

“Of course, you!” 

“Oh gosh…” Sami wondered if his cheeks would flush, then silently affirmed that the argyle sweater was a good choice. 

Sami took a second to just admire the babe across from him. He didn’t know if it was appropriate or even uncool to acknowledge that they had just kissed. Maybe that was just normal for Finn? Sami decided to avoid the question directly, since he did _not_ want to seem like he was complaining. Instead he licked his lips and tasted the distinct flavor of cherry chapstick that he knew he hadn’t applied himself. 

Sami opened his mouth to respond, but quickly had to shut it again when he realized he had nothing interesting to say. How do dates even work? Sami hadn’t been on a date in probably 3 years at this point, and couldn’t remember the last name of the person it was with. Should he ask something deep? Something casual? Maybe lean over the table and give Finn another giant smooch? Ask his last name?

A weird tension hung in the air briefly. Sami felt unsure if he was allowed to move his arms or clear his throat, but it only lasted a beat or two. He acted quick with the first thing his nerve-wracked brain could come up with. 

“Um… I like your accent, where are you from?” Sami asked. 

“Ah, that’d be a Bray County, Wicklow, Ireland accent.” 

“Oh, Ireland! I’ve heard of Ireland!” Sami spat out, as if that was anything to say to another human. His bit the inside of his cheek to hold back from cringing at his own stupidity. 

“Yeah?” Finn laughed, graciously. “It’s pretty popular!”

“Hahaha…” Sami gulped. With his free hand, he attempted to take a sip of his drink. Unfortunately, the opening of the cup was on the other side of the lid and when he tipped it, a few sips worth of macchiato came spilling out all over his lap and the table. 

“Oh no!” Sami exclaimed. 

He was so embarrassed from his own clumsiness that it took a moment for the scalding heat from the coffee to sink in and start hurting. Now, he bit his lip to avoid yelping in pain, but couldn’t keep his eyes from welling up. 

“Ah! Let me get you some napkins!” Finn sprang into action, like a hero in some sort of mediocre Marvel knock-off. He ran over to the bar, grabbed a handful of folded napkins and skipped back over. 

Sami wanted to stand up to make it easier to clean himself up, but the humiliation left him glued to his chair. He felt his eyes frozen in place, staring straight ahead, vision blurring from tears. 

“You silly.” Finn was at Sami’s side now, laying napkins down here and there to soak up the mess. 

“I’m sorry, Finn…” Sami mumbled. 

“For what? It’s okay.” Finn smiled and handed Sami a few napkins to pat onto his jeans. 

For what, indeed. 

Sami’s apology wasn’t directed at just one thing. He was sorry for being clumsy, sorry for making Finn deal with him, sorry that Finn had to be seen in public with him. 

Amazingly, Finn didn’t seem to mind at all.

“Don’t be sorry, darlin’.” Finn gave him a wink and sat down on his side of the table. 

Sami sniffed and attempted to mop up the coffee that was now set into his jeans, probably staining them permanently. 

“I’m so clumsy, I don’t…” Sami cleared his throat, shaking his head. He had felt a panic attack threatening to ruin this date and possibly the whole day, but Finn’s kind words in his soft voice made everything better. 

“That’s okay, I like it.” Finn took a careful sip of his own drink. “D’you have any cool projects going on?” 

Sami blinked again. Was this a subject change? This is a subject change! Finn isn’t going to dwell over his stupidity?! 

“Projects?!” Sami gasped, feeling a mixture of shock and gratitude. The burning on his legs was starting to dull. He concluded that it had only hurt because of the shock the incident caused. 

“Yeah, you’re an artist, you said!” Finn smiled. 

“OH.” Sami gulped. He _had_ said that, hadn’t he. It wasn’t completely false but he felt like a real douchebag for acting like his side hobby was enough to support his life. Oh well, he already spilled coffee everywhere, might as well continue to be awkward and weird. 

“Right, the art stuff… Yeah, that’s like a side hustle for me, I don’t do it all the time... But I am in the middle of a super neat commission of a puppy.” Sami shrugged, treading lightly. 

Finn looked unsure of his answer, but only briefly. “What else do you do?” 

“Ah…” Sami sniffled. “I work at the uh, hipster grocery store up the block?” 

Amazingly, incredibly, and perhaps by a fucking miracle, Finn’s face lit up. “The co-op? I love it there! Can’t believe I’ve never seen you!” 

Sami barked out a near-hysterical laugh. How the **fuck** so nice and cool about how lame he was?! 

“Really! I’ve been there for years! They uh, probably keep me outta sight so I don’t disturb customers, I dunno.” 

“I doubt that. You’d probably cause sales to increase.” Finn winked. “But I know what you mean about the erm, ‘side hustle’. I don’t work at the bar full time but that’s what everyone affiliates me with.” 

“What else do you do?” Sami took his turn to ask. 

“I teach MMA in the north side, occasionally cage fight. That’s the passion, but bar-tending in tight clothes in where the money’s at.” 

Sami gaped. He had guessed that Finn was some sort of athlete, but wouldn’t have been able to pick that he beat people up for a living. In a weird primitive way, Sami felt his attraction to the man across from him multiply. 

“Woah, what! That’s sick! Could you like, teach me how to do an armbar on my roommate?” 

“I could teach you quite a few things, yeah.” Finn said, mumbling past the lid of his drink. That was when Sami’s ears got hot, and his brain caused him to quickly spit out the easiest subject change he could gather. Anything to prevent him from imagining what rolling around with Finn, either in an octagon or bedroom, would feel like. 

“Um- Do you wanna play a game?” 

Finn chuckled, definitely savy to how nervous and turned on Sami was. “Yeah!”

“Okay! Let’s ask each other our favorite things, and see if we have anything in common!” Sami suggested. 

“Let’s do it.” Finn said. 

_Goddamnit._

“What’s your favorite color?” Sami started. “Let’s say it together.” 

“Okay, 1… 2… 3- Red.” Finn said.

“Black! Okay, you ask one.” Sami said.

“What’s your favorite animal? 1… 2… 3- Giraffe!” 

“Penguin! But giraffes are great.” Sami took a careful sip now. 

“Okay. Favorite movie. 1...2...3… Back To The Future!” 

“Interstellar! Huge sci-fi fan.” Finn revealed, making Sami suddenly feel less self conscious about the dorkiness of his own choice. 

“Excellent,” he took another sip. “Okay, your turn.” 

Finn thought for a second, clearly cooking up something good. 

“Do you always kiss on first dates?” He asked, one eyebrow raised. 

Sami acted appalled. “Sir! You suggested the first date kiss.” 

“I said I was cold!” Finn shrugged. 

“No, you…. Oh, right, you did.” Sami muttered. “Well, to answer the question, I uh…” 

He wondered if he should pretend to be cool, this time even more briefly than the first couple occasions. 

“To answer the question, I don’t remember my last date. That’s how long ago it was. So, no.” Sami said, accidentally sounding mournful. It was a little harder to admit than he was ready for.

“You?” 

Finn made a face. 

“Yeah, erm, I don’t get asked on dates. Hardly ever.” 

“What!?” Sami said, incredulous. How could a smoking hot babe like Finn not get asked out on the daily? 

Finn pulled his beanie off and ruffled his short hair so most of it faced the same direction. Sami swooned for a moment and imagined petting the fuzzy, shaved sides. 

“Nah. People come into the bar and they want a uh, y’know, something nice to look at. That’s me.” 

“Oh…” Sami nodded along, imagining what kind of life it must be to get paid to be beautiful. 

“Guys… some girls too… talk to me and I have to act like an idiot because everything I say won’t be taken seriously so I don’t bother.” Finn said, followed by a mumbled remark about how the cafe felt hot inside now. 

Sami barely heard him over the flashback he was having of Neville implying that Finn was stupid. He _knew_ it wasn’t true! Finn wasn’t stupid; anything but. He’s smart, handsome, interesting, funny, gorgeous, sweet, and staring directly at Sami waiting for a response. 

“Oh! Um, wow? So you’re like a character actor?” Sami laughed at his own dumb sentence, but Finn seemed to like it and laughed along. 

“Something like that, yeah!” He said. “So to answer my own question, no I’m not usually a first-date-kiss kinda guy. But I’m enjoying taking this life for a spin.” 

Then he goddamn winked and Sami felt every drop of blood in his body rush to his underwear.

* * *

Now, without any false pretenses to act under, Sami and Finn talked and giggled and flirted and held hands for another hour before Sami had to start packing up for work. They had almost nothing in common, they learned as the game and casual conversation progressed, but some kind of magic seemed to take them over despite that. Sami could listen to Finn talk about MMA for hours, days, months. Finn gave his full attention while Sami ranted about veganism and how he had two different kinds of melons in his balcony garden at the apartment. 

Since the grocery store was only about four blocks away, Finn offered to walk Sami there. They paraded out of the shop after cleaning up after themselves. Right out the door, Sami invited himself to wrap an arm around Finn’s shoulders, feeling how firm they were even through his layered clothing. 

“...and then he came over from Newcastle when we were kids and we were inseparable since day one. I guess I just really like guys from the U.K.?” Sami blabbed as they walked, coming in close on the dreaded brick building that paid his bills. 

“Beauty.” Finn had wrapped his own arm around Sami’s waist as they walked, surely making them both look so absurd and cheesy. Neither of them cared. 

“Well, this is me.” Sami sighed, staring the store down. He patted his pocket to assure that his name tag was inside, even though he had checked if it was there four times already. 

“Ah… Thank you for a wonderful morning.” Finn smiled, squeezing Sami tight for a goodbye hug. 

“Absolutely my pleasure!” Sami said. “Do you um… think maybe we can do this again?” 

Finn nuzzled in that wonderful spot under Sami’s chin where he fit perfectly. Like he was meant to be there. 

“We are definitely doing this again.” He said. 

Sami was tempted to lean in and kiss him, but remembered that he was never actually invited to before. Y’know, on a technicality. 

“I would very much like to kiss you, Finn.” Sami stated as plainly as possible. “Even though it’s the first date.” 

Finn’s amazing giggle would surely be what filled Sami’s head all throughout his work day. 

“Please kiss me, even though it’s the first date.” Finn said, and stuck out his lips to receive another warm and soft smooch. 

This time, right in the middle of the city’s busiest street, they hugged and kissed each other deeper with each passing heartbeat. Sami felt his body heat up as their tongues met, fleetingly. Just enough to make sure he wouldn’t be able to think about anything else for the next week. 

“Bye, darlin’.” Finn said after breaking them apart. 

“Bye…” Sami forced his arms to disconnect from around Finn and let him leave. Standing outside the store door, he watched Finn head south for at least a block. 

With a lovestruck sigh, Sami floated into the store. He gave a ‘sup’ head nod to Dana in the break room where everyone kept their little aprons and washed their hands before starting their shifts. He fished around his pocket for his name tag and pinned it to his shirt. It had been a while since he checked himself out so he popped into the bathroom. Just a little water was used to flatten his wild curls out, and he readjusted his name tag when it was crooked. 

_Man, I really gotta get a Sharpie to fix the flag colors, I look…. Wait._

Sami blinked at the faded ‘trans pride’ flag on his nametag. 

“Oh… Fuck!” He snarled, upon realizing that amongst all the kissing and flirting and laughing, he had forgotten to tell Finn about the thing he rehearsed telling Finn about. Panic seeped back up but he batted it away, reminding himself that there was always next time to come clean. Wait no, this isn’t something to come clean about. 

This is perfectly fine, he reminded.

Everything is fine. 

But the look he was giving himself in the mirror was not so reassuring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha whoops, this went a whole month without an update! 
> 
> i'm sorry, @ anyone who cares about this fic. I've been dealing with some really crippling mental issues and haven't had the motivation or even energy to write. but this fic means a lot to me and i'm determined to see it through.


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